mustact | IC Inbox Redshift

He stills there with a deep sigh of contentment, and doesn't move for the next half hour. Eventually, though, he starts to come to, awareness seeping into his mind. The first thing he registers is warmth and something soft beneath his face that he's become very familiar with: Angel's fur.

Instinctively, he nuzzles into it, his arms tightening around her as he hums low in his chest.

It's enough to bring her too, if slowly because most especially, it tickles when his breath puffs against her fur and makes it stand up, nevermind that vibration rumbles into her body.

When she opens her eyes, she slides her fingers down, into his hair gently as she cards through it, running into a tangle here or there that she uses her claws as gently as she can to comb them free.

It's lazy, she can't summon the energy to move if she had to, doesn't want to at all. She couldn't face anyone today if she tried. The guilt gnaws back alive as she gains consciousness as she is left in the world where that simple truth is there: Roland is dead.

In a few moments, he's awake, but he doesn't move. Not when she brushes through his hair like that, when she seems content where she is.

Today, he will be with her. And one day, maybe they can talk about it more, but he has said what is most important and, right now, what she needs to do is grieve. Everyone needs to grieve when they have lost, especially because they don't always get a chance.

For a while, she's quiet in the early hours for the day. It maybe was an hour, maybe ten minutes, she didn't really know, or care about it, just playing with his hair and feeling his warmth.

"... He looked like Charles, you know? Same eyes. They were kind. They always wanted to do the right thing. Bit like you too. Slow to smile. But when he did you knew he really meant it. He was really brave too. No matter what Jack said, or did, he'd never step down. He'd always stand up and fight."

Her braiding has gotten better, not so messy, not so slow. It forms something now, in her reflections, she starts again.

"The way I used to talk to people... I could talk into their minds. That's how I met him. I spoke to his mind. It was all words Jack told me to say, about him having a great purpose, and he'd call me 'Guardian Angel', him and the other Vault Hunters. But... they were my friends. Or... well, I wanted them to be my friend. I don't think they thought of me that way. They just hated me, in the end. But... I liked... I liked to imagine we were friends, that we'd... we'd go on adventures, together. Even if, in the end, all the adventures and pain and suffering they went through, they were actually just fighting... me, they just didn't know it."

Another silence. Another little frown, clear she's going to cry but that's not... what she finds important right now. Not what is important. She needs guidance right now, not knowing where or who she was supposed to become. "Do you think it's silly to miss someone who you hurt, like that? To mourn them, when you are the reason they're dead?"

After a while, he shifts just enough to rest his cheek against her shoulder instead, then stills again. Still holding onto her, breathing softly as he listens.

She's talked about some of this before. Her work for Jack, what she did in his name. Every time there is so much regret and pain when she speaks of it, but still he doesn't see how it is at all necessary for her to carry this on her shoulders. Jack certainly carries no remorse, even though he's the one who should. For all of it, all that pain and suffering that he put so many people through. And Angel was one of them.

"I am not so certain they would hate you."

Zer0 apparently did not. Why should anyone else? When she sacrificed herself to try atone for what had been done. Even then, it is one thing to blame herself for her own actions even if they were Jack's orders, and something else to blame herself for what Jack did in her name.

Will she always insist on it? He wishes he could make her see it the way he does.

She laughs, tired and sore, not in her body, but in her mind, from this. She does her best, as much as she can, to never dwell. He gives her so many reasons not to. To take each day as a gift she never thought she'd have. To get to share her happiness and sadness with so many people. That she is even here, talking about it with him...

... That's not nothing. Not to her. Never to her.

But it didn't change it.

"One of the last things he ever said to me, before... before he finally found out the truth, was that he told me to never speak to him again. To never get in contact with him. I got the impression he regretted ever meeting me. They all did."

It hurts. It hurts so very much, and she'd never told anyone it before. Hard to. Hard to know how much they could never forgive the things she'd done because she'd broken their trust so utterly, how could they?

There are clearly parts to this story that Ratonhnhaké:ton hasn't been told, and clearly a lot, because what Angel is saying now seems ... disjointed. He tries to connect the dots for a moment. Did Zer0 say that? What she'd told them about it before, it sounded like he was friendly.

It just leaves him confused, so he gives up trying to work it out.

"Who said that?"

"Roland." Her fingers tense, holding in the air, before she tries to settle them back down. "Roland and Lilith and Brick and Mordecai..." It's painful, it is, but she needs to get this out, to him at least.

"They were pretty upset with me. I had just bombed their city and killed hundreds of innocent people they were protecting."

Oh.

Yes, she's told him she's killed a lot of people. Ratonhnhaké:ton will still largely blame that on Jack, for making his daughter do his bidding under threat. But he supposes he forgets, sometimes, because he struggles to imagine her doing it, when she always seems so worried about disappointing people, when she tries so hard to always do the right thing.

That makes sense. That they'd be 'upset'. Probably quite a bit more than just upset. He can't fault them for that.

"I see."

He shifts finally. Moves off her to lie down beside her instead, still with his arms around her, tugging her close to his chest as he bends forward to nuzzle her cheek.

"I do not think it's 'silly' to miss them."

She watches him move. The worry is still there. It's always there. One day he will truly understand the monster she is, not for the horns, not for the tattoos. But for the things she has done. That can never be taken back. The blood on her hands that is enough to drown a planet whole.

"I never would have had the courage to question Jack, without them. I always wanted to tell them that. I just never got to..." She never got to do a lot of things. "... When I died, I think they understood. Understood I cared, in the way that I could. When I'm scared, I think of them. I think of how they brave they were, and I like to imagine I could... could have done the things they did, and it makes me feel a little bit stronger."

They changed everything, she realized. They changed Pandora, they changed the bandits and the cities and the galaxy, and least of all. They changed her. Fragile a thing as that is. Much as it was too little, too late, in the end. They had.

"Hurting them... killing their people, that's when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. Not for Jack. Not for anyone. Never again. I'd lied to myself, I said... I said they were my friend, I'd draw myself watching over them, like I was part of their adventures. I just wanted a friend..." it's silly and childish and it feels like Jack's fingers in her hair, soft but scorning. Why do you need all that stuff, sweetheart? Daddy's here. Who needs other people? They're just weak and pathetic and they'll hurt you.

With eyes shut, she swallows down on the sound of his voice. Gone, now, but never far from her. Her hand settling on his shoulder in an idle concentration to tether some part of her here and now with him. Not back in that place, back in that room. Then opens her eyes up again, not looking at him, but at his throat. Too much to look him in the eye. "But when I lowered their shields when I saw their horror at what I had done. When I saw the betrayal on their faces. When I talked and they wouldn't even answer me except to tell me to never speak to them again... All I had was speaking to them. They were all I had." She tries to smile. Tries to add any kind of levity to something like this. Because she's aware, aware that it's misery, aware that if she doesn't please others, even now, she is not sure who or what she might be. "That's kind of pathetic when I say it out loud, huh?"

Isn't that lucky, then? It seems Jack signed his own death sentence when he told Angel to get in touch with them, to befriend them in a way that he thought wouldn't be real but ended up being real, at least to Angel. It seems they saved her, and Ratonhnhaké:ton, at least, is very grateful for it. Without them, she undoubtedly wouldn't have been the same.

Sometimes, you simply aren't strong enough. And that's all right.

"No." He idly brushes his fingers through her hair, and places a kiss on her forehead. "You are not pathetic. We are always stronger together."

When she only had Jack, how difficult would it be to fight against his words? When it was all she ever heard? She thought she was doing the right thing. Then she learnt differently, and decided to see to it herself that it ended. All the while knowing it would cost her her life.

Her eyes close, as he kisses her, her head tilting up in her neediness of that affection. Everything she had been denied, so freely given, because he would never think to not. Her forehead to his, her fingers curling against his cheek and through his hair. The low, slow lungfuls of him she draws in, letting it settle into her bones like the absolution she knew she never deserved.

"I wish I could see me like you see me."

If you ask him, it's very simple. He thinks she deserves it, and so she does. It is affection he chooses to give. Then it only seems right that he decides who has earned it.

"I hope I can one day teach you to."

With enough time, enough words and kisses and touches, he hopes she can one day forgive herself for what she has done, decide that she too deserves a second chance to do better. And she shows time and time again that she wants to do better. One day, he hopes she will understand how much that matters.

She can't be too morose with him too long - or, no, no that's not true. Jack never let her wallow in his presence. She had to be happy, no matter what he did, had to be pleased, and now that state to please others was ingrained deeply. Reaching up with a small smile, to tuck a piece of escaped hair behind his ear.

"I'll settle for having pretty hair like yours, in the meantime."

Because if nothing else, his smile did her wonders, it always did, knowing she made him happy. Reaching for a strand of his hair that had gotten so much longer than since she first met him, to draw it down and catch it between her upper lip and below her nose. Scrunching them both up to make it stay put. Like it was her own moustache. "Does it suit me?"

Is she done speaking, then? Or simply felt that she'd bothered him enough, waking him up and taking up so much of his time. She might truly be tired of lingering more on the matter, to be weighed down by things that truly cannot be fixed.

The smile doesn't really comfort him, nor does her choice to start making jokes. But she looks pretty ridiculous, and he snorts in amusement, his lips spreading wide enough to bare teeth.

"It suits you wonderfully."

It's so good, makes her happy as she can muster to be, when he smiles. Knowing that she made him smile. Letting the bit of hair go because she can't keep up the face when she smiles back. Instead letting it go free, reaching up to cup his temples again, smoothing them back so she could do the thing she loves most, just looking at him.

"That makes sense. I don't think there is anyone better for me in the whole galaxy."

He moves one hand to put it over hers, fingers curling around her palm. That seems very difficult to accomplish. He may not know how big a galaxy is, but he knows that it's bigger than a planet, and can thus realistically hold more people. Surely, she could have found someone else that is at least equally as good for her.

But he will take the compliment, as he closes his eyes to enjoy her touch.

"How many people are there in a whole galaxy?"

It wouldn't surprise him if she actually had a number.

She doesn't think so. She doesn't think there will ever be anyone else like him she'd ever meet. No matter what. She knew he didn't see himself that way. He would always be one of those people. He was as bright as a star. Giggles, softly, quietly, and yes it's tired. It's so tired, and not half as bright as she usually is with him especially. But maybe that's a sign too, for anyone else, the facade would slip in quickly, pretend nothing bothered her. No matter how sad she was.

"Is that a trick question?" She kisses him slowly, a nibbled, nuzzled thing where she catching his lower lip between hers to warm him as he did her before she falls back softly into the pillows with her hair around her head. "There are as many people in the galaxy as there are stars. An infinite, ever-expanding, ever-decreasing number. You can never put a number on it."

His smile widens when she kisses him, as he sinks deeper into the mattress, warm and comfortable and content enough in the thought that she seems to feel a little better. Not entirely, but a little. They could probably both use some more sleep.

"And you are prepared to dismiss them all?"

He shifts to follow her, to nuzzle into her hair as he wraps both an arm and a leg around her. Even if she seems happier, he will keep holding her, because that truly is the least he can do.

It squishes her flat into him, and any other time she might squeak and wriggle, just to prove a point. Tickle him with her fur that was often her best allie and greatest cause of being squished to begin with when he just wanted to snuggle in.

But right now she just... does nothing but appreciate it. Let him hold her as tight as he wants, she just burrows and curls in right back. Rubbing her face into his neck and shoulder, letting her tail drape and wrap around his ankle as his leg curves over her.

"All of them. No matter what the universe gave me, I think I'd always pick you." She searched his gaze, not for some truth or answer, but simply to look at him, and just him. "You changed me. You made me believe it didn't... it didn't have to be like this. Just like Roland did. But... but I get to like who I am with you."

That's a start, at least. That she can likes the person she is with him. It could be sad, that she doesn't feel the same around others, but he knows just what that's like. While Charles Lee was still alive, he was a very different person while doing work for the Brotherhood from when he was at the homestead. Sometimes it takes a while to work out how to be someone you like anywhere.

"Then I'm glad." He pauses for a moment, as he bends down to rub his nose against hers. "I think I would pick you too."

Her eyes stay low, watching his mouth, not to contemplate kissing him, though she often does that, and probably always will at least a little. But no, just to watch him say those words. His choice. She was his choice, just like he was hers, and that was wonderful.

Even if Jacob had left her with a niggling doubt.

She's silent for a while, just watching him, tracing him, knowing him. Touching all that she can, in a way that for her of all people is particularly special.

Which in a predictable fashion that this is neither the time, nor place, ( if there ever could be one ), but the thought had stuck her for awhile. So it comes up like it always does with her. All at once. Meeting his gaze and not disentangling from him, just kept running her fingers through his hair. because in her mind, it really is just a question, and he probably wouldn't have had kissed her along with everything else if he felt one way over another about it.

"Connor..." She nibbles a second, contemplative. "Do you like guys too? Or just women?"

The question seems so different from anything they've talked about so far that Ratonhnhaké:ton is a little surprised. Although, he supposes it's not that different from talking about how they'd gladly choose to be with each other again.

He considers it for a moment, if only because it's not something he really has considered. Relationships have always been out of his reach, impossible because so much else has always occupied his time. He idly traces Angel's jaw with his fingertips, and shrugs.

"I have never fallen for a man, but that does not mean I couldn't."

Angel is essentially the first person he has ever been interested in like that, and now, she's the only one he really thinks about like that.

She nods, slowly, taking that in. This was something like the other times, that she is worried about misunderstandings from one world to another, as those were only bound to happen when apparently seeing people in... shorts? was enough to get you married? Whatever.

But more personal than that. Angel nodded, following along with his answer. "You know it's okay, if you wanted too, right? Like if there was a guy, and you really want to... you know, with him? I don't mind, I'll never be bothered. Life in the galaxy is strange, so you should take the chances you get to do things you want to."

Except, somewhere underneath them, under the blankets, her tail twitched, a little flustered as something that rumbled in her chest. "I just... well, I want to come first with you, I know that much. Just let me know, if there is anyone else you might be serious about. That... other bit feels weird, sometimes. I mostly tell it to shut up, though, because it'd be hypocritical when I like men and women too."

Frankly, he's not so sure he would want to. Angel comes first and she doesn't need to ask for that, even if he's glad that she feels comfortable enough around him that she can do that. When, in the past, she'd seemed to think that he was settling for less than what he wanted with her.

His first instinct is still to reassure her, but the next moment he realises that she's not selling herself short by telling him this. She's truly beginning to understand how important she is to him.

"Same to you," he says instead, because that only seems fair.

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